The crying of my Mother is distant, and in my mind’s eye I can see my sister silently shaking in the corner once she finds out the news. I’m twelve years old, but I’m dying. And I’ve known it for a while. I’ve known it the moment I stopped being scared. Sometimes I ask myself, when is the best time to die? Is it while you’re still a kid and you’ve accomplished nothing, and you have nothing to lose except for a vague future? Or is it when you’re old and moldy and have spent all your life building something, loving people and being loved back; when you have everything to lose but have experienced everything already anyway? Does it make dying more okay having, as they say, “lived life to the fullest”?

If you ask me, I think I like the first one better. Because you leave behind less of a trail, a million fewer memories, than when you are old. There would be a lot more people crying in your funeral because you’ve got children, and they’ve got their children. And God knows how fast people can multiply. I’m pretty sure the only people coming to my funeral would be my family. And maybe my great Aunt Sally who sends me a sweater every Christmas that always fits. Most people at my school are bullies who pretend to be my friends, and my real childhood best friend moved away a few years back. Yeah, I think I like the first option better. There are less crying people in it. But then again, I won’t get to compare since that’s all I’m getting.

At my age, I haven’t achieved anything important. My Mom makes a big deal out of all the drawing contests I’ve won, and she likes to stick my drawings on the fridge- even the really bad ones- ever since I told her I wanted to draw cartoons for a living someday. I see her sometimes when she thinks I’m asleep. She likes to slowly flip through my sketchpad from start to end, running her hands through her favorite drawings. I’m not at all sure if that helps, because at the end of it she’s always in tears. I tried to hide the sketchpad under my pillow once, but it must’ve slipped out or something because it ended back up in her chair. For the record I haven’t drawn in a couple of months. I can’t even pick up my pencil nowadays.

To be honest, I’m both relieved and worried about this whole thing. Worried mostly because I don’t know what my dying would do to my Mom. She has never left my bedside since I was hospitalized, and she says this is because she has to be here every moment because she wants to watch me heal. Every time I look at her, her eyes are either swollen from crying or tired from lack of sleep. Then there are days when the only thing she eats is jello because it’s my favorite, so she’s lost a lot of weight. She’s a very different person from the Mom I used to know, and I can’t help thinking that it’s all my fault. I used to think that giving her a hug helped her a little bit, but I can’t even move my arms on my own anymore.

I’m also worried about my sister, especially since the time I saw her smoking a cigarette while she waited to pick me up outside the comic book store. She made me promise not to tell, and I told her cigarettes are bad. She just patted me on the head and said I would understand someday. I still don’t get why she smokes but I’m pretty sure cigarettes kill people, like it killed my Uncle Rufus. Since I got to the hospital, whenever I ask her to quit smoking, she just pats me on the head again and again and tells me to worry about me first. I just couldn’t tell her that I’ve known all along there was nothing to worry about anymore. The other day when she visited from school, I saw a pack of cigarettes peeking out of her pocket. I looked at her straight in the eye and her hands went to her pocket instantly, trying to hide the cigarettes from me. The reason why I keep asking her to stop, aside from health reasons, is my Mom. I don’t think my Mom can handle another sick kid in the family. My sister is a lot older than me, almost 18, but sometimes I feel like she doesn’t understand things the way I do. But I love her anyway. She and I make fun of each other all the time, but she’s always taken care of me in her own way. In fact, she’s the one who gave me my first sketchpad, and my second, and third, because she’s actually the one who discovered that I had a talent for drawing. Maybe I’ll do her a favor and haunt her from the grave to scare her off the cigarettes. I wonder if I’ll be allowed to do that. 

If there’s one person I haven’t been worried about though, it’s my Dad. He’s been the rock holding the rest of the family together. He goes to work everyday to earn money like he always does, then comes home at night right on time to have dinner with everyone. Since I started practically living in the hospital with my Mom, he would bring dinner over and we would eat together with my sister, just like we always do at home. He’s probably on his way over with some Chinese food now, that’s my Mom’s favorite. It’s really nice when we do that, and I guess he’s just trying to act like everything’s normal. My mother and sister cry buckets of tears everyday, but I’ve never seen my Dad cry like that. Sometimes I look at him and he smiles at me. But I can see it in his eyes, his sadness. I can see that he wants to cry too, but he can’t, and it’s not because he is a man, but because my Mom is always asking him if everything is going to be fine, and he always says yes. That’s why he has to look like everything is going to be fine. When I was small my Dad would tell me all about what it was like to be a man. The most important thing he ever said is that a man needs to protect his family no matter what. And that’s what my Dad is doing. And that’s how I know everything really is going to be fine like he says, because I know he’ll always take care of the family.

The doctor presses his cold stethoscope on my chest and I blink. Suddenly it’s dark outside and all the birds have gone home. I look at the doctor and he looks at me and I see that he is sorry, and I mean really sorry, because there was really nothing else he could do to help. I give him a smile to tell him it’s okay. I didn’t know how to tell him without words that I had known all along. It’s not his fault anyway. I try to open my mouth but I’m just so tired. I want to close my eyes but I’m pretty sure my Dad is about to walk into my room with Chinese food any second now, and I wouldn’t want to miss dinner, especially not if it’s Mom’s favorite. I don’t mind waiting. I don’t mind at all.

~~~ This short story is a work of fiction. Any event resembling real life is purely coincidental. All rights are reserved by me. This short story is kind of pointless and arbitrary, but I wanted to try out something similar to Chbosky’s style from The Perks of Being A Wallflower for some reason. And the title might be horrible. I can’t think of a good one right now.

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
Answer: His last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
Answer: Liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
Answer: Marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
Answer: Exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
Answer: Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
Answer: The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
Answer: it will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
Answer: No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
Answer: You will never find an elephant that has only one hand…

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
Answer: Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
Answer: No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
Answer: Concrete floors are very hard to crack.

I laughed so hard! I wouldn’t want to be this kid’s teacher though. It would be absolutely heartbreaking to reprimand him for not studying for his test, not to mention failing him!

Head on over to my Food & Travel Blog to check it out!

The posts are broken down into the following parts:

• {Sawatdee, Thailand!} Shopping from a boat & a taste of Thailand
• {Sawatdee, Thailand!} Some buts & bites in Chiang Mai
• {Sawatdee, Thailand!} Of clever changs & the story of baby Mosha
• {Sawatdee, Thailand!} The Bangkok cityscape & nightlife

1. Juan Solanas’ Upside Down. Where did it go?

Okay. You might have seen this poster or the trailer for this movie a million years ago, but I wonder, whatever happened to the film? It was slated for a 2011 release, and now that it’s 2012, there is actually no information on the distribution schedule of this film as per /Film.

Heck I can’t even find the trailer on YouTube anymore. It’s like it disappeared off the face of the Earth, or crossed over to the alternate universe or something?

Well the first thing that actually made me pay attention to this movie is the poster. It’s very visually stunning, with the whole dystopian, Inception-esque look going on. Apparently, the film has some very striking visuals, which is usually the case when one goes for an alternate universe plot.

Here’s a two-year old synopsis I got from /Film of the film to refresh your mind:

Look up towards the sky and rub your eyes because you won’t believe what you see: cities, forests, and oceans with their own inverted gravity, only an arm’s length away, yet completely unreachable. Take a leap over to this alternate reality, two worlds – one above, one below? facing each other, and you’ll land in the extraordinary world of Upside Down.

Adam is a seemingly ordinary guy in a very extraordinary universe. He lives humbly trying to make ends meet, but his romantic spirit holds on to the memory of a girl he met once upon a time from another world, an inverted affluent world with its own gravity, directly above but beyond reach… a girl named Eve. Their childhood flirtation becomes an impossible love. But when he catches a glimpse of grown-up Eve on television, nothing will get in the way of getting her back… Not even the law or science!

Yes, I know: Adam and Eve. But can you blame me if I say I think Jim Sturgess is a cutie and is one of the top 3 reasons why I actually want to watch this film, the first reason being the visuals (which apparently has some Alex Proyas, some Andrew Niccol, and even some Wong Kar Wai!)? I’m not entirely sure if I’ve had my fill of this kind of plot yet; think Kate & Leopold from the old days, and more recently FRINGE. But since I absolutely adore FRINGE and I think it’s one of the best shows on the face of the Earth ever, I’m more than ready to give this one a go.

2. Speaking of FRINGE. Episode 8 will air on January 13th. Gosh why does that still feel so far away! I can’t believe I managed to sit tight from November until now, impatiently waiting for the next episode of this amazing show. Here’s a teaser to get you all riled up for its return this Friday!

I am really digging the whole Olivia Dunham X Agent Lee thing. <3

3. NBC’s The Voice will be returning this February 5th for its second season! I for one am excited, and I can’t wait for what kind of changes the network is going to implement now that they’ve brought in additional mentors. In case you haven’t heard, the show will now be extremely star-studded, with the four original judges/mentors being joined by other big names in the music industry. Based on the promo video (below), the blind auditions will still be pretty much the same. I’m guessing, like in the last season, the co-mentors will make their appearance from rehearsals for The Battle Rounds forward. The only difference is, last year’s co-mentors were less hyped/famous than this season’s.

I’m actually very pleased with the chosen co-mentors on my top two teams. Adam Levine will now have Alanis Morisette and Robin Thicke to back him up, while Team Cee-Lo will have Babyface and Ne-Yo. Likewise, Blake Shelton will have wife Miranda Lambert and rival show alum Kelly Clarkson on his team. I like the fact that Blake picked the two of them because they have survived a reality show such as this themselves. Finally, Christina Aguilera will be assisted by Jewel and Lionel Richie.

The thing I love about this show is how genuine the mentors actually seem to be toward their mentees. The way they provided quidance and friendship as seen on the show last season seemed very effective. Also, I love the snide but always funny remarks each judge makes against each other, the bromances formed as the show progresses, and how everyone seems to be having so much fun it’s a bit contagious. My only worry is that it might get “crowded” now that there are a lot of stars on the show. Hopefully no one will try to pull some sort of Kanye-esque move.

I won’t promise to be able to write about every single one of these things on every single and correct day though, which is why even on other days that I write, I’ll label my posts under whichever category is applicable. I know it’s cheating, but I’d rather not box myself myself up with such stringent rules and end up not posting anything. But hopefully I can write about things on the right day so I can follow through with the headings. I really want to make this work. I really want to get to think/write/draw/photograph things other than food/observe/reflect more. Have I mentioned how excited I feel about this little project? :3

• Sunny/Solemn Sundays: Aside from any random day I feel the urge to write and pour out my feelings on this blog, this is the day I have reserved to write about observations, reflections or any serious/sad/happy happenings for the week that has passed. The title will change depending on how I felt during the majority of the week.
• Movie Mondays: I have always loved the world of film and movies, and the occasional good television program. Unfortunately, I haven’t watched a movie in an actual theatre in a while, and I haven’t been able to religiously follow my favourite shows like I used to. One thing’s for sure though, like most people, I always have some opinion about any and every little thing I watch. Whether it’s a review; a commentary on the cast or the storyline of a movie/show; something that catches my attention about an actor/actress; a declaration of love for a film, tv show or star, this is when I’ll be posting about it.
• Tuned-Up Tuesdays: Music has a very large impact on my life. Almost always, when I’m having a bad day, I listen to a song or two and instantly feel better. There are songs that have such amazing lyrics that I am moved by them, and there are songs that are just so meaningless but sometimes so catchy; either way this is the day I’ll be sharing them all with you with a little bit of commentary at the side. In general, I’ll be posting about music, songs and artists on this day.
• Wordless Wednesdays: This is a pretty popular thing around the blogosphere. It’s when you post only a photo that illustrates a feeling or event in your life, letting the picture speak for itself. I’d like to think that I can follow this properly at least.
• Tailored Thursdays: This is my day for talking about pretty things: fabulous interior designs, dream houses and locations; fashion-related objects, looks and trends that I love. It’s quite possible that I talk about some sort of tech thing here too, when I’m in geek mode. Guess I’ll have to write that under “Tech Thursdays”?
• Fiction Fridays: On this day, I will either write a work of fiction, or write about other people who write about fiction and their works. If I have any interesting news or something that strikes my fancy in the world of books or literature, and if I manage to concoct some sort of cheesy story in my head, rest assured I’ll be writing about it.
• Sketch-Up Saturdays: Art and drawing take the lead for this day, when I post about artworks I absolutely adore. But most likely, I’ll be posting artworks of my own, and maybe a little story of how they came to be. Drawing was my first love, and as a child, it was my shining talent. But growing up, it began to take a back seat to other things I’ve grown to be passionate about. I still want to get better at it though, for no other reason than I just want to, so I need to keep working on it.

Other regular posts on this blog: Book Reviews. Travel Logs. Random interestingness on the Internet because there’s lots of them! And whatever other thing I come up with.

There are days when I think the universe is being ironic with its many travesties, whether it be with people, events, places, time. Life in general sometimes seems like one giant travesty. And much as I don’t want to dwell on that aspect of life, there are always days when I feel like I need to just sit down, look out the window, listen to the birds, take one long breath, feel the breeze on my face; when I feel like I’m holding on to a trapeze hanging dangerously by just one rope; when I feel like I’m standing on a single shaky pillar on the verge of collapse. There are always days when I sneak in a few minutes more of curling up in my bed before getting up to face the day. There are days when I don’t want to admit to myself that I am feeling a little blue, or that my semi-addiction of going to the gym and my itch in making random lists are keeping me sane.

And then there are days when I talk a lot and laugh about things that aren’t even silly; or when I carry with myself a ready and sure grin everywhere I go. There are moments when some distant and vague memory brings a small smile to my lips, or when snippets of good conversations with great people come floating to the surface of my mind. During these times, there is simply a general appreciation of everything, a happiness that trickles down every vein and fibre of my body. And it uplifts my spirits. I like these moments the best. And although they are not few and far in between the bad ones, it’s much easier to let the rotten feelings weigh them down.

At times, shamefully, the negative moments can seem like the only things that exist, erasing the good moments completely. Sometimes there are bad things that in theory could have been prevented, but which happen anyway. And although it might be nothing serious, it could feel like the gravest thing in the world. It might be something we wish we didn’t have to sort out, or it’s something we wish other people didn’t need to sort out either. There are no explanations, no reasons, no room for regrets with the bad– they just are. At some point, we’ll realise that sometimes things just happen, whether we like it or not. So we have to deal with it, and on occasion, the people around us will have to deal with it too, whether they like it or not. This is the only way to make things turn around. This is the only way to move on.

And if all else fails, do what I do: WRITE. Sometimes I find that revisiting something lousy on a good day makes the wonderful facets of life feel that much more magnificent.

Or well, I formulate them in my head but never actually write them down. Must be my innate fear of disappointing myself whenever I fail at something. A lot of people make resolutions because it’s what everybody else does, but most don’t make it past the first week of the year. They end up throwing these resolutions out the window. I can’t say if I’m the same sort of person, but I’d certainly like to think not. Instead of making resolutions though, I would prefer to call them goals. I respond to that word better, and usually with much more success. My only problem is that I seem to want to accomplish so many things at a time, and expect to in such a short period, that I end up completing most of them halfway. I just like doing a lot of things, and fortunately almost all of the things I like to do I am actually good at to some degree.

I am a juggler. Most days I am a tired juggler. But doing all these things makes me happy, and I suppose that counts for a lot. I just need to make myself a time management system

Off the top of my head, here are my goals for the year:

• Write more. And I don’t just mean blogging or writing opinion pieces, I mean fiction. I used to be really good at making things up back in high school. Any time of the day, as soon as I sit down with a pen and paper, I can churn something entertaining out. Then college came along and dumped truckloads of school-related projects, and I just kind of felt the juices melt away… Life became so fast-paced that I can’t even sit down for 10 minutes without thinking about where I’m supposed be or what I’m supposed to be doing. I keep moving around, and my mind keeps whirring non-stop, and I just became different. I became less artsy and more down-to-business. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but that part overcame the rest of who I am. I feel like I lost a very large and important part of me, and it’s a part I want to get back starting this year.
• Draw more. Same thing as above. To be honest, I write more through my blogs than I draw nowadays. I don’t even doodle anymore. Sometimes I can’t think of anything to draw anymore even. It scares me a bit. Maybe I need a different kind of me-time.
• Read more. I checked my Book Journal and as it turns out, I didn’t read more than 10 books this past year. That’s extremely pitiful for a so-called book-lover like myself.
• Learn Spanish three times a week. In a serious manner. I have tons of languages I want to learn, but I’ve always been in love with this one. I keep thinking about when to stick this into my schedule, preferably while I’m multi-tasking on other things. Maybe while I’m drawing and/or while I’m running/on the treadmill.
• Refresh my Mandarin. I used to be pretty good at speaking and writing in Chinese. Last year we went back to Shanghai to check out the World Expo and I couldn’t recognize half the words there. My Dad is going to kill me. D:
• Refresh my Japanese maybe? I actually learned some basic Japanese during my younger days from watching way too much anime. It’s not a difficult language to learn at all. Japan is one of my dream countries to visit despite everything that’s been happening there, and it’s not just because I love anime and Japanese cuisine. I just think it’s a beautiful place with one of the most interesting cultures in the world.
• Bake a little less to give way to cooking more. I think that’s pretty self-explanatory. You’ll notice I have very few main dishes on my food blog.
• Be more involved in the family company. As much as I think I already have a good feel of what it’s really like working here, I feel like I want to innovate something for the company this year. We’ll see.
• Gain a flat belly! And maybe lose 5 pounds in the process. I’m still human and I still want to look good.
• Learn how to be more fashionable. This is probably the biggest frustration my Mum and my fashion-forward brother has with me. Being the only daughter, they want me to be all lady-like and girly. Unfortunately, being the eldest sister to three crazy boys roughens one up. I’m probably just a late bloomer, because I’m turning 21 in a few weeks and only now am I beginning to actually take an interest in fashion. I want a collection of cardigans and scarves and all sorts of skirts, for starters. And for the record, I’ve always loved bags.
• Keep on travelling. Nuff’ said. I’m lucky my family loves to travel, so I get to go  places a lot. One of these days though, I reckon my family is going to get mad at me for photographing only the culture, people, architecture, random things that catch my interest, and the cuisine of the places we go to, mostly because they’re not in it. ^.^
• Watch at least one concert. I often find myself regretting missing a lot of great concerts the past year, especially that of The Script. Every time I see one of my friends wearing a shirt from the concert, I want to tear it off him. I don’t know why I didn’t go.
• Spend more time with my friends. A lot of times, when they invite me out, I’m too lazy. I just want to stay home and do the rest of the things on this list. My social life is quickly becoming limited to just social networking sites and zero personal interaction. Of course, I could be making declarations now and end up being lazy when they invite me out anyway. But I’m really beginning to miss them.
• Smile more. I am a very serious person, but I don’t want to look intimidating.
• Take life as it comes. People say we should worry about the future, but sometimes we worry about the future too much that we lose sight of the present. I went through such a rough patch in the middle of last year because I got so shaken up with how blank my future looks, and then I realized my present was all wrong at the time. No wonder.
• Stop to smell the flowers. Figuratively of course! I have to take more time to appreciate all the blessings God has given me. By my book, there’s been a lot of them. And I hope He knows how grateful I am for my life, my family, my true friends, my experiences; everything that has ever happened that helped me grow and put me in the place I am in today– good or bad, happy or painful, all of it. I wouldn’t be me nor would I be here without all of these things.

So there it is. It’s incomplete, but if I write any more, I’m afraid the list will never end.

This is my first Christmas as a non-student, and to be quite honest, I miss the old days. Around this time, I would have been lazing around the house doing whatever it was that I wanted to do for Christmas break. I guess I’m still adjusting to this “real life” I now have. Frankly, I can’t feel the Christmas spirit past the days I spend in the kitchen baking Christmas goodies, or every time I wrap up gifts for someone. It used to be that going on Christmas break back in my school days would be like a switch flipping on the feel-good Christmas mood. I would take my final exam for the term and the moment I lay my paper down on my professor’s desk, the bells would start jingling in my head. It’s Christmastime!, a voice would scream. Now there’s no voice. Three days away from Christmas and I still can’t find that happy Christmas place; not even when I attended a Christmas party. I wasn’t even pleased about getting picked to join a parlour game, and it kind of showed in my demeanour.

Sometimes the days just stretch on continuously, and the next thing I know a week has passed and another has started, and then surprise, surprise! Christmas is here! There aren’t a lot of gifts under the tree any more, and I don’t mean food baskets other adults send to my parents because we’ve got lots of those. I mean real gifts, the ones that are hand-picked and carefully thought out by the people who know you well. I used to have lots of those when I was small. Then they became a little less in number, but a wee bit more sentimental as I grew older and gained my true friends. But that was back when I saw my friends everyday in school. I haven’t even gone out to catch up with my college buddies since I graduated back in February, and more than the gifts, I really miss their company and their contagious Christmas mood. It’s just so bizarre, this place I am in right now. I miss hearing people say “Merry Christmas!” to me like they really mean it, not because it’s good business etiquette to do so.

I keep hearing the DJs over the radio counting down the days till the 25th, and I just can’t help but feel like things have changed so rapidly. Is this what it’s like to grow up? I don’t know why I’m writing about this tonight, but maybe it’s because I had a very crappy day today, plagued with a major headache among other not so nice things, like Excel closing down on me before I could save my work. That was the highlight of my day probably, and the fact that I had to redo everything again, saving after every word I typed this time.

Last night I helped my Mother make her fruit salad. She makes the best fruit salad, and she makes a ton of it only during Christmas. It gave me a familiar feeling, but only temporarily. I don’t know what’s wrong with me this year. I’m happy where I am, but I’m not feeling Christmas for some reason. It feels like any other day, and I don’t like that all. I’m too used to feeling a little extra bout of joy during this season.